


If My Friends-List Wrote Half-Blood Prince

by violet_quill



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 6: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Humor, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-05
Updated: 2010-11-05
Packaged: 2017-10-13 02:05:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/131619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violet_quill/pseuds/violet_quill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remember that book <i>Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince</i>?  Well, if I hadn't read the book, but had just read my Livejournal friends-list instead, this is how I might have thought the plot went.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If My Friends-List Wrote Half-Blood Prince

**Author's Note:**

> This might be stretching the definition of fanfic a little, but here we are. Originally posted [here](http://violet-quill.livejournal.com/175821.html). And if you're wondering how it all turned out, you might want to read about [If My Friends-List Wrote Deathly Hallows](http://archiveofourown.org/works/131618).

Something happens at the beginning that is apparently extremely unimportant but may or may not involves Kingsley Shacklebolt in a dress. Shortly thereafter, there is an Amazing Scene in which Snape lives somewhere that is not Snape Manor, Narcissa is known as "Cissy", Bellatrix speaks in complete sentences, Peter serves as a ~~whore~~ servant for Snape, and Snape and Narcissa make an Unbreakable Vow that somehow makes Snaco shippers wet themselves.

The next bit is rather sketchy, but there are a lot of things that seem to happen at once: somehow Harry ends up with Dumbledore (how? we don't know. Dursleys are very boring.), and then at the Weasleys, there is a wizard named Slughorn who may or may not be a couch or a walrus, and Dumbledore has a robo-hand (or maybe it's just chargrilled).

At the Weasleys, we discover that: Tonks is a pathetic, weeping woman for absolutely no reason at all, Fleur is a Bitch on Wheels, Arthur likes to yell out "mollywobbles!" during sex, and there is a very important item called a provity probe that is shoved up someone's arse. There may have been a trip to Diagon Alley, but all that happened there was a bunch of Draco snark, possibly some Narcissa snark, and some very questionable behavior on Harry's part that involved sneaking around after Draco and caused H/D shippers to wet themselves.

Draco also gave Harry a bloody nose, which may or may not have been during angry!sex. Another major plot point is that Blaise Zabini is black. Tonks continued to mope and whine and generally be the Worst Character Ever Written, obviously did not save Harry or do her job, and has a new patronus that probably would have caused more pants wetting if Remus/Tonks shippers had gotten a better description.

At school, Snape became the new DADA teacher. Harry found a book with notes from the Half-Blood Prince, someone who is obviously much smarter than him. Hermione may or may not act very OOC, but there is definitely a lot of sexual tension between young boys and girls that may or may not be disgusting/boring/riveting/OMG TEH BEST EVAH. Ron makes out with Lavender, and possibly the giant squid, and Harry has a monster in his chest.

Somehow we find out a lot about Voldemort, including that his family was apparently rife with incest, he may or may not have molested children in a cave, he is OMG SO HOT, and there are things called Horcruxes of which Harry is probably one and Regulus Black has something to do with another.

Harry continues to perv over Draco, including asking someone/something if it/he has Draco inside it/him. Draco shags Myrtle in the bathroom. Harry shags Ginny by the lake.

There are zombies, and Dumbledore drinks something bad. Then there are more zombies, and Hogwarts has been attacked by Death Eaters. Draco may or may not be redeemed, but Snape definitely kills Dumbledore. The previous events have all taken place in the first two hundred pages, and most of the rest of the book is all about why Snape may or may not be evil.

At the end of the book, however, there is a devastating passage in which JKR admits that she kicks puppies, Remus has never been gay and _definitely_ never shagged Sirius EVER, and Tonks is the antichrist.

The book comes to a close with Snape potentially on the run shagging Draco, or already plotting how he can still shag Harry even though he might be evil.


End file.
